death became my savior

When I was 31 years old, death became my savior.

I had reached a crux of my adult life, which featured me, in the same red wine and tear-stained light blue yoga pants I'd been wearing for a week straight. Unable to make myself get off the couch and do this thing my midwestern upbringing was telling me to do... You know, that thing with the job and the weekends and the marriage and the once-a-year vacations and the retirement.

All the people around me had seemingly found contentment in the simplicity of this lifestyle, but I knew in my heart there was something different for me.

I'd known this for many years, actually, but I was scared. You see, back then, I wasn't equipped with the trust I have now in my own creative capacities or in the perfection of the universe. I was so damn scared that it would backfire on me... that I'd be a fool to stray from what 'works'. I was scared that I would fail.

But do you know what I was even more scared of?

I was terrified of living a life that felt hollow and unfulfilled... of suffocating from monotony. I was terrified that there was an unexpressed genius inside me that I'd never tap into.

There was fear on both sides of my crossroad, and I almost decided that it'd be simpler to scrap the whole thing and take my life...

Until I realized,
I could die now...
Or later.

If there was inevitable death on either side, then what the hell did I have to lose?

I said to myself, fuck it.
I figured I might as well run a ballsy ass experiment, follow the yearnings of my heart, and see what happened.

Death saved my life.

Since that moment in time, I've actually died more times than I can count. With each fall and rise, I've become even more of me, and I've learned that there's only gain on the other side of death, not loss. I've experienced more in the last 6 years than many experience in a lifetime, and I'm just getting started.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. - Steve Jobs