Walls of Conclusion

Jul 21, 2021
The prose below was delivered to me in the darkness of the night a decade ago.

It speaks of a woman who tries desperately (& fails miserably) to fit herself into the mold of 'status quo'... a message that continues to insert itself into my life & business, over and over and over again

Perhaps it will speak to you too?... 

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧


I do my best to cozy down
into a ‘normal’ life situation...
Ya know, with love
and cookies,
and consistent bedtimes.

Date nights and planning.
Steady jobs with paychecks
and insurance and stuff.
Walking paths that have been well-tread.

That’s what we do here you know.

The walls of conclusion start small,
building so slowly I hardly notice
until one day I look up
and I can’t see over the top anymore.
This freaks me out a little.
But on paper it all looks so perfect,
so I continue on.

Steady as she goes.

Cutting off every ounce of awareness
to my internal knowing.
Sinking ever further
into unidentified despair
until finally I forcefully shake free,
forever changing the shaken.

And find myself right back where I started once again.

All heart-achey and worn.
Seriously wondering
if I possess the strength to do this.
Feigning resistance to the lure provided
by safety of the familiar,
the payment for which is always backward traveling.

This mission before me just won’t seem to go away.
Who signed me up for this evolutionary path anyways?
Was it me?

Why do I destroy everything in my life for the sake of it?
Maybe that which I destroy is not actually real.
Just appearing, oh so convincingly solid.

No matter how many times I turn it away,
it returns in the night to knock on my door.
I don’t want to hear what it has to say but,
out of the shear lateness of hour
and weariness of my soul,
I listen this time.

“Come with me”, it says.
“I know it’s dark out and you’re scared, but trust me.

When the light of day dawns
you will see clearly and understand.
The sun will shine more brilliantly
than you have ever known.
And for your courage,
you will be rewarded
with great joys
and treasures
and loves.”

the resignation to manipulate my trapezoid self
into the square shape of normal is fading fast.
It has been a long and exhausting road.
I fall into the arms of this midnight caller and cry.
Unidentifiable as either tears of sorrow or joy or relief.
Makes no difference really.

The gift I am given in this moment
is an unequivocal understanding
that this is my only option.
And that everything will be different.
But incredible.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

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