When I was a teenager I used to joke around with my friends that when I grew up I wanted to be a motivational speaker by day and a slutty lounger singer by night.
I said it in jest, yet, there was a certain sort of truth in it I didn’t realize at the time.
The lounger singer bit was obvious, seeing as how singing was my life up until I began rebelling against my very self and all the things I loved for the sake of ‘freedom’. The pursuit of freedom became my one and only love, at the expense of everything else… but, that’s another story for another time.
The slutty singer vision I held had nothing to do with promiscuity per-say, and everything to do with slithering around on top of a baby grand, making love to my microphone in a slinky, sequin laden dress with a plunging neckline.
Why I thought I might be a motivational speaker is quite a headscratcher though, as I’m certain nothing I did in high-school was even remotely motivational; unless you counted my uncanny ability to convince my friends to do things that were most definitely not in their best interest, such as skipping class to drive around the school parking lot drinking beer.
If I’m honest with myself, I always did possess a natural gift for conjuring up alternative and interesting viewpoints about everything, which under different circumstances may have even been inspirational.
Curiously enough, years later after a child, a marriage, a divorce, many heartbreaks, and bone-breaks… life sent me careening down a path of extreme self-exploration that took me all over the world; a journey that just-so-happened to parlay itself into an online coaching career which, to this day, includes inspirational Livestream talks.
At this point, I’m not quite a motivational speaker in the way I ‘joked’ about back in high school, but I get the feeling life’s not done with me yet… so I guess you could say the first half of my prophecy is well on it’s way to fulfillment.
Somewhere along the line, however, my music was lost.
Many times throughout the years I’ve fantasized about reuniting with my long-lost love… but there were always more “pressing matters” at hand (such as questing for freedom)
It’s been only recently I’ve had a revelation that the structural underpinning of my life, although often parading under the illusion of ‘following my heart’, has actually been an attempt to resolve my own perceived limitations.
Instead of actually creating a life that I loved, I’ve been reacting against a life that I didn’t want.
Ironic, considering my sign off for nearly ten years has been NO LIMITS, JUST LOVE. Turns out I’ve been teaching what I most desire to understand, and the truth is that the vast width and depth of my wisdom has come from exploring the extremities of rebellion. (no regrets, my friends)
That being said, I’m beyond grateful to have arrived at a point in my life where I’m aware of my previous underpinnings, am consciously choosing a more generative structure to guide my life, and am revolving my creations solely around the question, “Chandra, what do you actually love?”
When I ask myself this, many things occur to me that I’ve already managed to build my life around such as living in the tropics, mentoring, speaking, reading, and writing. I love eating out, moving my body, hanging with my daughter, and drinking coffee & red wine.
More recently, after leading a very monastic existence for quite some time, I have honored my love of community, collaboration, soul friendships, and meaningful conversations… and I have begun expanding my life to include more of these.
There are many other things I love that don’t feel immediately relevant to incorporate into my life yet, but as I sit here today considering the new year ahead, one love I know for sure I’m ready to start building my life around is music.
I can feel the music in my bones, the vibrato in my heart, the lost sounds rising up in my throat, and I know that I am ready to be reunited after all these years.
I have some serious insecurities and doubts about this. Will I even be able to sing again, or did my musical genius grow weary of waiting for me, and so packed up and left forever?
I don’t have the answer to these questions, but I do know that my quest for freedom has been thoroughly replaced with my devotion to designing a life around the things I truly love…
and so, I choose to boldly venture back into the world of music after more than 20 years gone, despite my concerns, because I believe that it’s never too late to design a life around what you love.
maybe I’ll be a motivational speaker by day, and a slutty lounge singer by night after all.
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