The Illogical Burning Belly of Soul Desire
Jul 27, 2019
24 more hours here in this condo by the sea, with my love.
I'm having such a good and easy time with him that I almost forget why we're going our separate ways...
Why is it that I seem to hold the most appreciation for people, things, and scenarios in my life on their way in, and on their way out? (not the point here, but curious side phenomena to ponder)
When I feel deep down within to my burning belly of desire, I remember how "Fuck Yes" this choice is, to diverge onto solo adventures, for now... as illogical as it seems.
When I look back, I see more and more clearly how I sacrificed myself for his love in ways from the very beginning that were so small and so subtle, they were almost invisible to the human eye.
Over time, these invisible denials of self added up to equal a debilitating disempowerment and suffocation of my soul - manifesting in a host of unsavory ways through all arenas of my life.
This was my doing entirely.
He never asked me to sever myself into bits for him.
A woman standing full in her power refuses to sacrifice herself for the love of another because she requires it not...
and I, upon meeting him, was just being born into my full power.
I was like a baby fawn, all wobbly-legged, not quite steady on my feet, and his love simply took me out, as I was not standing strongly on my own yet.
He - as any good dream character does - showed up to play the reflection of my own self-denial with perfection.
Oscar-worthy performances, all around.
His deeper functionings - not my responsibility to uncover... they never are when you're the center of your universe and the dreamer of your dream.
Tend to the center, and the quantum soup of entanglements whirling around the core takes care of itself.
that's what I set off to do.
Reclaiming all the fragmented bits of myself,
strengthening my stance, steadying my own feet in preparation of the fully sourced freedom I truly desire in relationship.
As I gaze at his beautiful form, sleeping next to me in bed this morning... I feel pangs of retraction saying "Wait, why are we doing this again??"... and then, I remember the necessity of it all.
A soul Yes can often be confusing to the rational mind, because it points to a future brighter than the old patterns and stories could ever understand. They whisper of a portal to true sustainable joy...
and what I know for sure right now is that denying my soul whisper, is something I'm never willing to do again.
~ Chandra Nicole