How In the Hell Did I Ever Make Myself Fit In?

May 28, 2017

These days, my life is pretty easy breezy,
But today was a really rough go from the start.

Just to preframe this post, my life is so fucking brilliant in many MANY ways. I do the work I adore, I live on a tropical island, and I’m about to set out on a high class gypsy trek across the world for a year with my daughter, just because.

Circumstantially however,
I currently find myself in a scenario I’ve outgrown.
I’m committed to this scene for another month
as I tie up the loose ends--
because logistics and adulting, you know.

I’m really TRULY wondering
"how in the hell did I ever make myself fit here?"

Last night as I sat with them
And they drank their light beers
and played their tiny ball game with arbitrary rules
and talked about things like war and jobs and weekends…
I wondered how I ever once squeezed myself into that life

And for some damn reason,
today I’m phased by their choices.

Phased in deeper ways than the fact that said choices kept me up all damn night.

It angers me to see them numbing
To notice them hiding from themselves
To watch them wasting their brilliant potential
To witness them drowning out the voice that says
“There’s something more for you”

I think it’s 'them' that angers me
But perhaps it’s actually me I’m royally pissed at

For so long,
that feel good elixir ruled my day
and silenced the voice
that persistently whispered to me, too.

Perhaps it’s not them I’m annoyed by
But me, for wasting all those years
not showing up fully

Perhaps it’s not them I’m saddened by
But me, for the all the time I spent
silencing myself

I had too many doubts about what was possible for me,
you see
and so I drank myself small
Day after day
Until finally one of those days
I watched myself curled up in the back seat
Sobbing and aching with booze soaked tears
And everything changed.

I’m not sure what was different that time,
as it certainly wasn’t the first
But something powerfully and permanently shifted within me.

I made a CHOICE
That no matter what
I would answer the call
No matter how much I didn’t believe
I would make myself show up

That was nearly a half a year ago
I can hardly recognize that girl that sobbed for her life,
that night.

And as I spend my last days here,
Perhaps, I see the echo of my old self in them
and I resist
Because it makes my heart sad for all the time I lost.

My spiritually trained ego says, in a condescending way,
“Why would you regret any of those years Chandra? You can't lose anything and life is always working out for you, even when you can’t see it”

And yes, on the deepest level I know this to be true.

But, it turns out that even though I am divine & inherently wise.

And this morning in the aftermath of their storm
It’s become clear to me that I need to forgive myself.
I can see that It is I, that I need to be gentler on.
They have shown me all the ways I can love me fuller.

And in doing so...

i gain compassion for all those
who have yet to say yes
to the voice that says,
You were born for more.

~ Chandra Nicole