Today, I am feeling completion - in this relationship, in this house, on this island -
and I’m wondering if i’ll feel called to make this my home again at some point, or if hawaii was just the place i came for a few years to purge my system of the lack, struggle, and unworthiness I’d swallowed.
I’m not usually a fan of the word “heal” due to the Munchausen Syndrome of the ‘Spirituality Industry’ and I personally never felt the need to heal myself -- however in retrospect, as I’m getting set to leave this floating metropolis in the sea, I would say I’m experiencing a visceral feeling of having been healed during my time here.
In the beginning I came to share with some college students what I knew about overcoming anxiety and fear…
but the truth was my degree of commitment to my profession was at the level of hobby. I was incapable of showing up bigger than that because I was broken and broke. I was hiding under a cloak of depression and addiction. What was happening within me was some deep, dark and disturbing shit.
The reason I thought I was here quickly turned into something entirely different and I stayed because it seemed like the easiest thing to do… besides, it was paradise after all, right?
Ironically enough, I experienced some of my darkest nights of the soul in one of the most brilliantly beautiful places. Evidence that, wherever you go there you are. Sometimes I feel as if Hawaii summoned me and took me in until I had found resolution in my soul. Perhaps that’s just the silly romantic in me…
Either way, in this present moment, I don’t even recognize the girl who came here “way back then” I arrived a struggling, disenfranchised girl… and I’m leaving an empowered, capable AF woman.
Not that I don’t still have tidying up to do, but the nooks and crannies and corners of my inner house have been de-cobwebbed, scrubbed with elbow grease, and the curtains thrown wide open.
I have clearer vision than ever before, I’m equipped with a litany of magic, and I’m ready to give this world all I’ve got (which is a fucking lot)
I’m not exactly sure where the road will take me, but the winds of change are a blowing once more. Forever a wanderer, I can’t deny the call… and, I get the feeling this might just be the most epic leg of this journey yet.
NO LIMITS. JUST LOVE.
- Chandra Nicole
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